The downward spiral continues

So every afternoon I have delusions that I will bring the girls home from school and in the few hours between then and bed we'll play and laugh and make dinner and they'll play together and we'll all be one big happy family. Instead we get home,I feel like there are things that need to get done which will take my attention, the girls both suffering from lack of naps end up screeching at each other, Logan gets bossy and I send her to her room with her throwing herself down, whining and crying. By the time Charles gets home I have had it and its one struggle after another until bed. The girls have been losing stories a lot lately.

Well this afternoon I lost it, Logan was trying to take work from Nora, Nora's screaming at her, Logan's screaming too, and I asked her to find some other work. That began the "no, I want to use that" whine until I asked her to go to her room. "No, I don't want to" finally after a few times she stomps upstairs, tears ensue. Nora is wet from us emptying the pool and wants to change clothes, she goes upstairs and I hear her telling Logan to go to her room. In other cases this might be funny since Logan often takes the parental role upon herself to tell Nora what she needs to do. Today, I'm not in the mood. I helped her change clothes and several more times I hear her telling Logan to go to her room. Finally after asking her to stop and her not listening (which apparently was a theme with her today) I send her to her room...hysterics ensues.

She actually climbed the gate, this is twice in the last week now, even with it up higher off the ground. I put her back, hysterics. I decide to talk to Logan, ok talk wasn't the right term, I cried and yelled at her. She started crying...mommy guilt to the max. But I went ahead and said my peace, then I scooped her up and held her, we cried together on the floor.

In the end, I made sure that despite my poor handling of this situation Logan and Nora both know that even when I'm mad I love them both. I asked Logan if she knew how I felt "mad and sad" she said. I asked her how she felt "sad and needing to throw up" (she was pretty hysterical). I offered her ways to let me know what she needs, even if she's mad, I assured her that she can talk to me, I want her to be able to express emotion and not worry about making me mad. We wiped our noses together (we had boogies she said) and she finished her puzzle. Meanwhile I went to deal with Nora. This one was a little easier, she just wanted a hug. Then she went in to offer Logan one, and without my suggestion said she was sorry.Logan did the same. I never force them to say sorry, I don't believe in it, and tonight I was glad for it, they did it all on their own. Later when we were getting ready for bed, Logan told me she was sorry for making me cry, I told her I was sorry for making her cry. We had a wonderful dinner, lots of laughter and time to be silly after as Logan practiced her bear walk (homework for gymnastics). we ended up all being silly together and I think for the first time in a very long time I was able to fully enjoy my time with the girls...finally. I just wish it hadn't come through the way it did, but then again maybe it needed to happen.

I'm drained now, I think a lot about my own childhood, the craft projects, the trips we took, the things we did together and through it I don't remember the negative times regarding my parents and I. I know there were, I just hope that 25 years from now they can look back at this time and remember the connections we made and not the bad...time goes so quick, before I know it I'm going to have to beg for family time, I want to make the most of it while I can.